The start of a new romantic relationship can be nerve-wracking for anyone. But when hearing loss is part of the equation, it gets a little more complicated. I remember when I was single, wearing hearing aids that didn’t help much with speech recognition. Navigating the dating world was tough.
There are psychological hurdles to overcome, and they’re mixed in with practical challenges. Hearing loss brings with it questions about self-acceptance, shame, and the occasional embarrassing moment. In many ways, love lives of people with hearing loss are just like anyone else’s—but with a few extra considerations.
Your hearing loss: To Tell or Not to Tell to other people?
Always tell. Unless your date is a mind reader, there’s no way they’ll understand your needs unless you’re upfront about them.
I get it, though. I’ve been there, wondering if it’s the right time to mention my hearing aids. Here’s what I learned: We’re nervous for two reasons. One, we might still be grappling with our own feelings of shame about hearing loss. Two, maybe that person doesn’t make you feel comfortable enough to share it yet.
I remember one reader who said her strategy was, “Let them fall for me first, then tell them later.” That’s a recipe for insecurity and fear of rejection. Plus, starting a relationship with omissions won’t help things in the long run.
I once kept my hearing loss a secret from a partner, and he was offended when I finally told him. Another person reacted badly, treating me differently. But the truth is, you can’t know how someone will respond until you’re honest with them. And, as my favorite writer Inês Pedrosa put it, “More often than not, we’re pleasantly surprised by people. That’s why I never get tired of living!”
Adjusting to reality when you have hearing loss
Let’s say you’ve worked up the courage to share that you have hearing loss and use hearing aids. Your partner is okay with it, and things are going well. Great! But there are still some practical adjustments to make.
Back when I couldn’t hear well, I would let dates know that I didn’t take phone calls. It was texting or nothing. Today, that’s much easier thanks to messaging apps—newer generations don’t even blink at it. But in the early 2000s, it was a different story.
People with hearing aids have their own routines. Not everyone wears them all the time. Some don’t sleep with them; some don’t swim with them. These are things your partner needs to understand, and you should be clear about your boundaries.
When I used hearing aids, I hated it when anyone touched my hair because of the noise. I’d always take them off before bed, and I’d never get close to a pool with them on. It’s important to know what works for you, and it’s up to *you* to set the boundaries—not your partner. If something makes you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, speak up!
Navigating social situations
Going out and socializing can be tricky when you have hearing loss. No relationship thrives without interaction, so you’ll have to navigate meeting friends, family, and coworkers. It’s not as hard as it seems. The key is compromise and a little awareness.
For example, choose well-lit, quiet places for dates or gatherings. Avoid dark clubs where it’s hard to see people’s lips. Opt for movies with subtitles, and don’t expect someone with hearing loss to enjoy situations where they have to juggle multiple conversations at once.
Anyone spending a lot of time with the couple needs to be aware of the hearing loss. Otherwise, you’ll waste a lot of energy trying to hide it, and that takes a toll—both mentally and physically.
Dealing with “What?”
There’s no need to be embarrassed about asking, “What?” Smart couples find ways to make communication easier. People who can hear can help by poking instead of shouting, waiting for eye contact before speaking, and enunciating clearly. For those with Bluetooth hearing aids, remote microphones can make a huge difference in noisy environments, and they work with many different devices.
Managing your relationship when you have hearing loss
While writing this, I got an email from a reader. She told me everything had been fine while she was dating her husband, but after they got married, he became less considerate—shouting from other rooms, claiming she only heard what she wanted to hear, and making snide remarks.
Every relationship takes compromise. No one wants to live with someone who’s inconsiderate. Hearing loss isn’t a flaw, and we don’t have “selective hearing” (though sometimes that would be nice!). By the end of the day, we’re often exhausted from relying on devices and reading lips. Fun activities for others can be draining for us because we struggle with accessibility. Living with hearing loss isn’t easy.
A crucial point in any relationship is that the person with hearing loss shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. If you didn’t understand what was said, ask your partner to repeat it. And again, if necessary. What’s the big deal?
That said, some partners of people with hearing loss can be insensitive, even if they think they’re just being funny. Comments like, “Pay attention, it’s so annoying!” or “I hate watching TV with captions!” can really hurt.
On the flip side, I’ve also seen people with hearing loss hide behind their partners, playing the victim card and expecting too much without giving back. The key is balance—both partners need to be considerate and find a middle ground.
The Secret to Success
Ultimately, a healthy relationship is about mutual understanding and compromise. For those of us with hearing loss, that means being open about our needs, advocating for ourselves, and making adjustments where necessary. And for our partners, it means patience, empathy, and a willingness to adapt. Together, it can work.
ANY QUESTIONS?
Support Paula Pfeifer’s work. She is a hearing rehabilitation activist in Brazil and she is deaf herself – two cochlear implants.
Paula Pfeifer is a brazilian writer. Two of her books about hearing loss, hearing aids and cochlear implants can be found in english and spanish in Kindle.
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27/06/2022 at 08:23[…] Your love life when you have hearing loss […]